Meet Ms. Monogram 2007!

Before we introduce the lovely lady that will wear the crown of Ms. Monogram for the upcoming year, let's have a warm round of applause for the outgoing Ms. Monogram 2006, Jennifer “Animala” Blaire, who is a good enough sport that she doesn’t mind that for the rest of her life she’s going to have the word “Animala” inserted between her first and last names, just like Dan “Hoss” Blocker or Britney “Curly Joe” Spears.

Unfortunately, Ms. M ’06 could not literally hand over the fabled cubic zirconium Monogram tiara; it seems that she had dropped it during what we respectfully refer to as "one of her sick spells.” It probably wouldn't have broken had she not been dancing on a bar at the time. Still, a quick trip to the Burger King and a stop at a craft store for Elmer’s Glue and rhinestones and we were able to whip up a satisfactory replacement!

Naturally, Ms. Monogram is expected to represent all the fine qualities we’ve come to expect from leading ladies in Monogram films. The ability to recite lines reasonably well, avoid tripping over furniture, act surprised when a claw comes out at her from behind a curtain, that sort of thing. She also has to exude charm, poise, and grace. Oh, yeah: and she’s got to be hot. I mean, c’mon, we all loved ZaSu Pitts in her Monogram films, but nobody wants to see her up on stage in a bathing suit, high heels, and paper Burger King crown.

Well, the judges deliberated long and hard into the night, and finally reached the conclusion that they’d remained sober long enough. They awarded the crown, plastic scepter, and bouquet of faux carnations to Ms. Monogram 2007, Brenna Barry, known to movie lovers around the world as “Garganta” in a film anybody at Monogram would’ve been proud to make, The Amazing Colossal Woman, available just as any other new Monogram film would be available these days, direct to DVD. (You can order it HERE from AC Comics). The new Ms. Monogram, who apparently thought she was auditioning for some sort of health week promotion called Ms. Mammogram (my handwriting isn’t very neat), eventually recovered from the shock and issued the following statement:

“It is with great pride that I accept this crown. My deepest gratitude to In the Balcony and Monogram Pictures for their tireless efforts to keep the tradition alive.  It has been my dream to act for so many years, and the road has been rough. I have to thank Maria Paris for introducing me to Bill Black. Bill, you and Rebekah have given me the biggest role of my life! Thank you! I want to thank my family and friends for sticking by me all these years. Any actor knows that it is not the financial rewards, but the thrill of the process and the passion for the industry that keeps our soul alive. That is exactly why I continue to work in this industry. In the words written by Mr. Black, ‘You can't stop me! Nothing can stop me!’  Thank you!”

She tried to continue her speech, but the Fat Ass Twisters band launched into a spirited rendition of “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” and she was ushered offstage and whisked away via deluxe Monogram limousine (a recent model Volkswagen Jetta, and it's fully equipped, just like Ms. Monogram, ahem) to her first public appearance, at the grand opening of a new 7-Eleven in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, where she’ll be selecting the “Slurpee Flavor of the Month” for March!

Here's a Ms. Monogram 2007 gallery; as you can see, she’s gorgeous. As you can’t see but Your Webmaster can attest, she’s also intelligent, witty, and knows how to kiss up to webmasters of cheesy websites like nobody’s business. We’ve been truly blessed to be able to crown a pair of fabulous Ms. Monograms over the past two years! Also, Friday, March 2 is Brenna’s birthday, and on behalf of all Balconeers, I plan on popping out of her cake. Shhhh… it’s a surprise!

THANK YOU BRENNA! Balconeers, we've been corresponding with our Ms. Monogram thoughout the year, and she just couldn't BE any sweeter. We wish her well in all her personal and professional endeavors. Following the first two Monogram Mizzes, the 2008 winner is sure gonna have to be somebody VERY special, eh?

Brenna Barry, Ms. Monogram 2007