Day Two: Tonight's presentation is perhaps our favorite of all Lugosi's Monogram films; it was directed by the legendary William "One Shot" Beaudine and released on March 5, 1943.

Lugosi is Dr. James Brewster, a research scientist who -- whoops, darn it -- has accidentally transformed himself into a human gorilla. Well, we've all had days like that, haven't we, fellers? In Bela's case, though, he needs human spinal fluid to effect a cure. He gets it with the help of his pet (and bunkmate) killer gorilla. This is the kind of film that only Monogram would make, thank heavens.

Bela's sister in the film is named Agatha, and with his name Brewster one can only surmise that the writers were having a little fun with Arsenic and Old Lace. Very little. And why does Bela speaking his usual barely-literate English, while his sister talks like Vanessa Redgrave? Ah, well, sometimes it's better not to ask these things. We'd also be better off not asking why Lugosi, in his Ape Man makeup, looks less like a gorilla than he resembles Abraham Lincoln, making this pretty much the perfect film to watch on President's Day, or anytime.

Dramatic highlight: Bela bursts into tears and weeps on his sister’s shoulder as he cries, “Vot a MESS I’ve made of things!”

Favorite dialog, reporter to a cameraman: “After today, you’ll be shooting that one-eyed monster of yours for Uncle Sam!”

Second favorite dialog, reporter Wallace Ford to camerawoman Louise Curry: "Cocky little wench, aren't you?"

Third favorite dialog, police detective noting the handful of hair clutched by a victim: "Whoever did it sure needed a HAIRCUT!"

I believe this is Bela Lugosi's single most embarrassing role, and I've seen both Glen or Glenda? and Shadow of Chinatown. As the demented Ape Man, he lurches around the sets looking like a... well, like a sixty-something-year-old Hungarian pretending to be a monkey. And at the end of the film, a strange character who's been hanging around looks at us out here in the audience (those of us still awake) and says, "I'm the author of this story. Screwy idea, wasn't it?" That it was, and you can have your Son of Frankenstein and Ninotchka, I'll take The Ape Man anytime as Lugosi's most memorable non-Dracula performance. And then some. (Click HERE to review yesterday's films!)

Day Three

Day Three: There are better films in the Monogram/Lugosi canon, and there are worse films, heaven knows. But is there any film more puzzling than this Phil Rosen-helmed picture, released on July 17, 1944?

A few months after teaming their "Big Three" horror stars Bela Lugosi, John Carradine, and George Zucco in Voodoo Man, Monogram handed them the script for Return of the Ape Man, which despite its derivative title is not a sequel to the studio's 1943 hit The Ape Man (hey, RKO's Curse of the Cat People isn't a sequel to Cat People, either, so quit your belly-achin'). Lugosi is one of his patented screwy scientists (well, okay, Karloff held the co-patent), this time convinced that if he can only find a frozen caveman in the Antarctic, well, he could bring th' fellow back to life. Carradine is his scientific associate and friend, who is quite certain that Bela is nuts. Zucco is the caveman they find, although it's actually Frank Moran under the makeup while Zucco is... well, actually, nowhere in the movie. EXCELLENT career move, there, Georgie. Did he get sick before filming began? Was his part left on the cutting room floor? Did he threaten director Rosen with a loaded gun, or lock himself in the Monogram men's room and refuse to come out? We'll probably never know.

Anyway, after sifting through the snow for ten months, Bela and John DO find a frozen caveman, whoever it is, and bring him home. Lugosi warns his partner that they've got to thaw the guy out slowly, but then gets impatient and grabs a blowtorch to melt him. The caveman, thawed, hops up and immediately shows a bad attitude, but luckily Bela just happens to have a bullwhip hanging on his laboratory wall (either to keep white rats in line, or Bela was more fun on dates than he looked) and soon has Cavey locked in a cage, where he intends to continue with Part Two of his experiment: giving the ape man a modern human brain. That is, a PART of a modern human brain; he doesn't want to FULLY modernize his Neanderthal friend, and I can hardly blame him. He just wants to turn him into, Bela's words, a "righteous citizen." Hey, Carradine has a brain, and he's started to whine a lot. Completely dispensable, as it turns out.

Favorite dialog, from a partygoer: "I've always wanted to be an explorer, but I could never find time to get away from the office."

Favorite Lugosi dialog: "Murder issss an UGLY vord... Ass a Scientist, I don't recognize it."

Second fave Lugosi dialog: "Some people's brains vould never be missed."

Favorite Carradine dialog: "If he lived, the operation would leave him an idiot!"

Favorite Zucco dialog: None. He's not in the movie, remember?

Most ridiculous sight, not just in this movie, but perhaps in ANY movie: Bela Lugosi, dressed in a tuxedo, casually strolling down the avenue, lit blowtorch in hand, searching for the missing ape man.

Fave dumb detective dialog... The dick is asked what he thinks the motive is, and replies, "Just plain MURDER by the look of it."

Rank on the Monogram Week BelaBration 2008 scale: Somewhere in the middle. Lugosi is killed with ten minutes to go, but even at that, he's in the movie for 50 minutes longer than his billed co-star, Mr. Zucco. Carradine acts as though he's embarrassed to be there, little knowing that he had Horror of the Blood Monsters and Billy the Kid vs. Dracula in his future, so one day he was going to look back on Voodoo Man and Return of the Ape Man as the "good old days"!

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