Wild Woman 1

	This week's cartoon is an Aesop's Fable from 1930, an era in which cartoons for the most part concerned themselves with wild animals forming jug bands and dancing for the amusement of the theatre audiences. And as our cartoon opens, we see a monkey playing a xylophone with an elephant's toes while Cap'n Noah dances with his chair. Why, yes, they DID have marijuana in those days, why do you ask?
The fun ceases, however, when Cap'n Noah suddenly feels a shooting pain in the corn in his foot, pictured by an ear of corn growing out of his toes. It's the best gag in the picture, so feel free to laugh hysterically.
	Suddenly, a dark thundercloud appears, takes the shape of a bowler, and rolls a bowling ball to create thunder. All of the animals in the land pair off in twos and hot-foot it to Cap'n Noah's ark.
Amazingly, there is room on board the ark for all of the animals (I forget exactly how many cubits the ark was, or even what a cubit is, but apparently it's plenty big). The skunks are forced to ride a little raft pulled along behind the ark by a rope, just like Chris Elliot in Cabin Boy.
	Cap'n Noah decides to keep the animals (many of whom are predators) amused by dancing the Charleston, accompanied by his monkey. The other animals join in and dance, dance, dance.
Note that the only two frogs that Noah could find were two giant mutant frogs, roughly the same size as the hippos. And WHAT are those creatures next to the frogs? They seem to be... camels? Giraffes? Kangaroos? We don't know. They appear to have one lone nipple on their belly, though.		The animals have much fun singing and dancing, and Cap'n Noah sure as heck knows how to show them a fun time. There is much rejoicing, especially when it stops raining.
	Sadly, though, before they can spot land, the skunks climb up the rope and join the party so that they can sing and dance too, and all the animals leap off the boat and swim away. Even the giant mutant frogs. Noah Knew His Ark can be found on the Aesop's Fables compilation from Thunderbean and Mackinac Media.

Next is our short subject presentation, and if you enjoy seeing dogs forced to do tricks via invisible piano wire, well, you're going to absolutely go bananas over this one.
The young lady in the nice hat works with her boyfriend Fido down at the department store, but unfortunately her mean, crabby boss (who drives a really nice car) has designs on her that are less than pure. Here we see a bunch of lady dogs fighting over fabric. In the film, things get ugly, but nobody bites.
The boss (left) is caught stealing funds from the company safe, and he kills the security pooch and frames Fido for the crime. Fido is convicted and sent to the Big Dog House awaiting execution.
At the Big Dog House, the dogs all march in step with one paw on the shoulder of the dog ahead of them, and break great big rocks into little tiny rocks. This may be the saddest "comedy" short we've ever seen here In The Balcony.
Take a look at Fido's pitiful face as he counts down to his execution. Does that break your heart, or WHAT?!?!? You can't get dramatic acting like that out of a cat, folks. Or out of a giant mutant frog, either.
When Fido's girlfriend hears that his appeal has been denied, she faints and his hospitalized. Luckily, she's in the same ward as her boss, who is dying of wounds sustained in a drunken car crash. On his death bed, he confesses and clears Fido. She rushes to the Big Dog House to try and free her beloved.
Arriving just in time, the Governor pardons Fido and halts the execution and our lovers live happily ever after, (7 years of happily ever after to them is 1 year of happily ever after to us).
The Big Dog House is not available on DVD, for which a grateful nation can only breath a sigh of thanks.

"The Airport Mystery: or, Where the Hell's my Luggage!"
When we left John Wayne last week, he was trying to rescue some old guy from the train wreck, but he'd failed miserably.
This week, though, he succeeds, as the two of them manage to jump from the boxcar moments before it goes over a cliff. The two of them sit down and have a nice chat.
Meanwhile, some OTHER guy, who has been kidnapped by the Wrecker, manages to escape. We don't know who he is, or why we care. This is one very confusing serial, but it DOES have John Wayne in it. Speaking of the Duke, he's captured and accused of being the Wrecker, but the guy who is accusing him may be the Wrecker himself. Or I may be the Wrecker. I'm really not sure any more.
Wayne is locked up in a storage building at the airport, and just LOOK at all those crates. If this were a Republic serial instead of a Mascot, we'd all be on the edge of our seats right now, waiting for the massive fight to come. No such luck.
John Wayne's girlfriend sneaks into the company safe, and I think she's looking for evidence to clear her father. Maybe not. Maybe it's not even the company safe. Maybe it's a stove, and she's trying to light it with those papers so she can make some nice cookies for John. Speaking of the Duke, he escapes by pushing a big stack of the crates on top of his captors when they come to get him. Ouch.
Wayne heroically runs away, but they catch him in the hanger and beat the living crap out of him. They then notice that giant plane chassis right above his prone body. "Hmmmm...." they seem to say.
Our Hero on the floor, massive heavy steel structure descending on top of him... folks, I don't know how I'm going to be able to sleep this week.

And as we can see, next week's feature attraction is called Sinful Cargo, it stars Conrad Nagel and Eleanor Hunt, it was produced by George A. Hirliman, and it's been copyrighted. Wow, sounds terrific, no? Oh, and of course (say it with us, please): Selected Short Subjects!

Universal's globe. Our favorite studio logo. This week's picture stars Evelyn Ankers, John Carradine, Milburn Stone, Acquanetta, and Ray "Crash" Corrigan. And this may be the first motion picture in which the stock footage got its own title card.
A ship docks from Africa, bringing Milburn Stone, famed animal trapper. He's caught 20 tigers, 20 lions, 11 leopards, 6 zebras, and Evelyn Anker's heart.
Oh, yeah, and Cheela, a giant killer ape who looms large in the film's plot. Here we see Stone trying to make Miss Ankers jealous, but she's not having any of it. Good for her. It's a safe bet that Lon Chaney, Jr. would've played the trapper in this film if he resembled Clyde Beatty a little bit more. But what th' heck, he didn't much resemble Bela Lugosi; that didn't stop Son of Dracula from being a good picture, now, did it?
A tiger escapes on the dock, and Milburn captures it by waving a whip and chair at nothing in particular.
Miss Ankers' sister, Martha Vickers, has some sort of a glandular problem, so Evelyn takes her to a specialist. In the waiting room, dressed to the nines, they read a lavishly illustrated manual called "Glands and their Secretions". We'll wait for the movie.
According to the manual Evelyn reads aloud, Dr. John Carradine has discovered Vitamin E-2, which causes "racial improvement". I can only hope she muffed her line and meant to say "RADICAL improvement." The scientist is so creepy that any normal person in his office would scream and run to the nearest police station, but not Evelyn. She even invites the creepy doc down to the circus at which she and Milburn work.
The animal handler is a drunk, a bully, and a ne'er-do-well, and he's abusing Cheela. Milburn Stone fires him on the spot. He has no trouble finding anouther job, though: Dr. Carradine hires him to steal the ape.
He does, and for his troubles, he gets "everything he's got coming to him." Why do criminals always think that means money???
Dr. Carradine uses "sex glands" from Evelyn's sister, cerebral fluid from his recently deceased nurse (VERY recently), and Cheela to create... Acquanetta! Sort of.
Carradine takes Miss Dupree down to the circus to look around; she arrives just as Milburn is about to be eaten by Nero the Tiger. She hops into the cage and stares down the brute, which senses that despite her lovely figure and nice gams, she's really "Crash" Corrigan.
The circus folks are so impressed that they hire Paula to be an assistant animal trainer, first class. She accidentally stumbles on Milburn and Evelyn having wild sex in the circus office, though. The censors cut out everything but the scene immediately after the two have gone at each other (picture at right).
Paula gets mad, and you know women: when they get jealous, they grow fangs, change color and shape, and smash things and go for the jugular. Not figuratively, either.
Paula regresses into a semi-ape stage and creeps into Evelyn Ankers' boudoir. Surprisingly, Milburn isn't even there. Men.
Evelyn sees her and screams, so Paula runs away, but not before ripping the throat out of Ankers' housemaid.
Evelyn suspects that Dr. Carradine has something to do with this, so goes and confronts him. He threatens to kill her, but before he can act...
Evelyn opens the cage and lets Cheela out to play. Cheela likes John Carradine even less than we do. Cheela does the monkey-doodle-do on Carradine's neck, and then escapes back to the circus, where she manages to rescue Milburn (again) from a tiger.
An over-zealous circus guard shoots Cheela, though (I didn't even know circuses HAD armed guards) and our sad story ends. No happy endings for THESE folks; not like that Big Dog House short, eh? As our film fades, Dr. Carradine is eulogized as "a mortal who went beyond the realm of human powers and tampered with things no man should ever touch." Frankly, I think Evelyn could say the same about Milburn.
There were two sequels to Captive Wild Woman: Jungle Woman and Jungle Captive. None of the three are yet on DVD. Sorry, Acquanetta/Clyde Beatty fans.
That wraps it up for another week! Drive safely, and we'll see you next weekend for another thrilling Matinee in the Balcony!

	Next is our short subject presentation, and if you enjoy seeing dogs forced to do tricks via invisible piano wire, well, you're going to absolutely go bananas over this one.
The young lady in the nice hat works with her boyfriend Fido down at the department store, but unfortunately her mean, crabby boss (who drives a really nice car) has designs on her that are less than pure.		Here we see a bunch of lady dogs fighting over fabric. In the film, things get ugly, but nobody bites.
	The boss (left) is caught stealing funds from the company safe, and he kills the security pooch and frames Fido for the crime. Fido is convicted and sent to the Big Dog House awaiting execution.
At the Big Dog House, the dogs all march in step with one paw on the shoulder of the dog ahead of them, and break great big rocks into little tiny rocks. This may be the saddest "comedy" short we've ever seen here In The Balcony.
	Take a look at Fido's pitiful face as he counts down to his execution. Does that break your heart, or WHAT?!?!? You can't get dramatic acting like that out of a cat, folks. Or out of a giant mutant frog, either.
	When Fido's girlfriend hears that his appeal has been denied, she faints and his hospitalized. Luckily, she's in the same ward as her boss, who is dying of wounds sustained in a drunken car crash. On his death bed, he confesses and clears Fido. She rushes to the Big Dog House to try and free her beloved.
	Arriving just in time, the Governor pardons Fido and halts the execution and our lovers live happily ever after, (7 years of happily ever after to them is 1 year of happily ever after to us). The Big Dog House is not available on DVD, for which a grateful nation can only breath a sigh of thanks.

	"The Airport Mystery: or, Where the Hell's my Luggage!" When we left John Wayne last week, he was trying to rescue some old guy from the train wreck, but he'd failed miserably.
This week, though, he succeeds, as the two of them manage to jump from the boxcar moments before it goes over a cliff.		The two of them sit down and have a nice chat.
	Meanwhile, some OTHER guy, who has been kidnapped by the Wrecker, manages to escape. We don't know who he is, or why we care. This is one very confusing serial, but it DOES have John Wayne in it. Speaking of the Duke, he's captured and accused of being the Wrecker, but the guy who is accusing him may be the Wrecker himself. Or I may be the Wrecker. I'm really not sure any more.
Wayne is locked up in a storage building at the airport, and just LOOK at all those crates. If this were a Republic serial instead of a Mascot, we'd all be on the edge of our seats right now, waiting for the massive fight to come. No such luck.
	John Wayne's girlfriend sneaks into the company safe, and I think she's looking for evidence to clear her father. Maybe not. Maybe it's not even the company safe. Maybe it's a stove, and she's trying to light it with those papers so she can make some nice cookies for John. Speaking of the Duke, he escapes by pushing a big stack of the crates on top of his captors when they come to get him. Ouch.
Wayne heroically runs away, but they catch him in the hanger and beat the living crap out of him. They then notice that giant plane chassis right above his prone body. "Hmmmm...." they seem to say.
	Our Hero on the floor, massive heavy steel structure descending on top of him... folks, I don't know how I'm going to be able to sleep this week.


Universal's globe. Our favorite studio logo.	This week's picture stars Evelyn Ankers, John Carradine, Milburn Stone, Acquanetta, and Ray "Crash" Corrigan.	And this may be the first motion picture in which the stock footage got its own title card.
	A ship docks from Africa, bringing Milburn Stone, famed animal trapper. He's caught 20 tigers, 20 lions, 11 leopards, 6 zebras, and Evelyn Anker's heart.
Oh, yeah, and Cheela, a giant killer ape who looms large in the film's plot. Here we see Stone trying to make Miss Ankers jealous, but she's not having any of it. Good for her.		It's a safe bet that Lon Chaney, Jr. would've played the trapper in this film if he resembled Clyde Beatty a little bit more. But what th' heck, he didn't much resemble Bela Lugosi; that didn't stop Son of Dracula from being a good picture, now, did it?
	A tiger escapes on the dock, and Milburn captures it by waving a whip and chair at nothing in particular.
	Miss Ankers' sister, Martha Vickers, has some sort of a glandular problem, so Evelyn takes her to a specialist. In the waiting room, dressed to the nines, they read a lavishly illustrated manual called "Glands and their Secretions". We'll wait for the movie.
According to the manual Evelyn reads aloud, Dr. John Carradine has discovered Vitamin E-2, which causes "racial improvement". I can only hope she muffed her line and meant to say "RADICAL improvement."		The scientist is so creepy that any normal person in his office would scream and run to the nearest police station, but not Evelyn. She even invites the creepy doc down to the circus at which she and Milburn work.
	The animal handler is a drunk, a bully, and a ne'er-do-well, and he's abusing Cheela. Milburn Stone fires him on the spot. He has no trouble finding anouther job, though: Dr. Carradine hires him to steal the ape.
He does, and for his troubles, he gets "everything he's got coming to him." Why do criminals always think that means money???
	Dr. Carradine uses "sex glands" from Evelyn's sister, cerebral fluid from his recently deceased nurse (VERY recently), and Cheela to create... Acquanetta! Sort of.
		Carradine takes Miss Dupree down to the circus to look around; she arrives just as Milburn is about to be eaten by Nero the Tiger. She hops into the cage and stares down the brute, which senses that despite her lovely figure and nice gams, she's really "Crash" Corrigan.
	The circus folks are so impressed that they hire Paula to be an assistant animal trainer, first class. She accidentally stumbles on Milburn and Evelyn having wild sex in the circus office, though. The censors cut out everything but the scene immediately after the two have gone at each other (picture at right).
	Paula gets mad, and you know women: when they get jealous, they grow fangs, change color and shape, and smash things and go for the jugular. Not figuratively, either.
Paula regresses into a semi-ape stage and creeps into Evelyn Ankers' boudoir. Surprisingly, Milburn isn't even there. Men.
	Evelyn sees her and screams, so Paula runs away, but not before ripping the throat out of Ankers' housemaid. Evelyn suspects that Dr. Carradine has something to do with this, so goes and confronts him. He threatens to kill her, but before he can act...
Evelyn opens the cage and lets Cheela out to play. Cheela likes John Carradine even less than we do.		Cheela does the monkey-doodle-do on Carradine's neck, and then escapes back to the circus, where she manages to rescue Milburn (again) from a tiger.
	An over-zealous circus guard shoots Cheela, though (I didn't even know circuses HAD armed guards) and our sad story ends. No happy endings for THESE folks; not like that Big Dog House short, eh?	As our film fades, Dr. Carradine is eulogized as "a mortal who went beyond the realm of human powers and tampered with things no man should ever touch." Frankly, I think Evelyn could say the same about Milburn.
	There were two sequels to Captive Wild Woman: Jungle Woman and Jungle Captive. None of the three are yet on DVD. Sorry, Acquanetta/Clyde Beatty fans. That wraps it up for another week! Drive safely, and we'll see you next weekend for another thrilling Matinee in the Balcony!