MYSTERIOUS ISLAND Captain Harding's Fabulous Adventures

Once again, we’re screening a thrill-packed, high-octane, suspense-soaked cliffhanger serial in the Balcony, and this time, it has fabulous adventures, as demonstrated by the serial’s full title (as you’ll recall, Columbia in this period gave its serials lengthy subtitles, including The Great Adventures of Captain Kidd: King of Pirates, Captain Video: Master of the Stratosphere, and Superman: Cheezy Cartoon Whenever Kirk Alyn Flies). Yes, it’s Mysterious Island: Captain Harding’s Fabulous Adventures, originally released in the summer of 1951 but still just as fabulous now as it was then, rest assured.

Our story so far: Our plucky band of Union soldiers got themselves blown to little tiny heroic bits last week by a keg of gunpowder tossed by an unruly pirate. And for 7 full days, all Balconeers around the world held our collective breaths in suspense. Well, except for the several dozen people who could be heard snoring. And now... back to one helluva Mysterious Island!

This week's Episode:

Well, good ol’ Mr. Gideon espies the gunpowder keg, and in appreciably more time than would’ve been necessary to simply toss the damn thing back out the window, stammers, “Into the cave! Quick!” and he and his buds all run, willy-nilly, through the secret door and into the cave, where they huddle for security while the shack gets all blowed up behind them. Well, THAT was close.

Inside the cave, our heroes congratulate themselves for having escaped the explosive wrath of the pirates, but they're so noisy in their celebration that they alert the keen senses of the buccaneers to their presence.

As the Jolly Rogers all rush in, a colossal melee of fisticuffs ensues, needing only a few “THWACK!” and “POW!” graphics to look for all the world like the Batman TV show, only less serious. When I got back from my five-mile jog and the usual post-jog jaunt to IHOP for the all-you-can-eat waffles, they were still going at it, only a couple of our heroes had heroically fled for their lives into the previously-sealed mysterious door atop the mysterious stairway to nowhere that adorns the mysterious cave on the mysterious island. The pirates are right behind ‘em, but trip all over each other, allowing our boys in blue to make their break and slam the door shut. Well, a couple of their compatriots got captured, but heck, this is wartime. Stuff like that happens.

“Take them out to the ship,” Cap’n Shard chortles. “There’s ALWAYS work for slaves to do!” Well, yeah, Cap’n, actually, the unemployment rate for slaves is traditionally one of the lowest of all the working classes. Good point.

Sensing the audience’s inattentiveness to this part of the plot, the director wisely interjects a scene with Rulu, the baggy-kneed invader from Mercury. She’s berating Bert for being such a goofy-ass nerd (I think, in fact, she uses just those words) and orders him to come with her. “What makes you think I will?" he sneers. She points a magic wand at his temple, but the sheer willpower of the zesty young fighting man is so strong that it takes nearly 2 entire seconds before he’s a brainless zombie ready to clean her toilet with his gums if she commands.

Suddenly, as if remembering that the audience hadn’t been annoyed by a barking dog all week, we cut to good ol’ Top, a-barking and a-baying to beat the band. The Cap’n and Neb realize that the dog is either trying to tell them where the pirates have taken Mr. Gideon and Pencroft or has a thorn in his paw. They decide to wander around after the dog just in case, but Top just sort of looks sheepish. Not much happens for the next ten minutes, and whatever does happen is silent, so it’s possible the soundtrack was lost for this reel and Martin Denny music was dubbed in; would’ve made no less sense than what we’ve actually got.

Cap’n Harding and Neb execute a daring plan rescue their compatriots, a plan that apparently consists of them simply allowing themselves to be captured and made pirate slaves as well. Before they can be trussed up in chains and branded, however, the Mystery Man in the helmet appears, fires a gas gun, and stalks away, his stinky task seemingly completed.

After that, apparently the editor of this serial was getting laid and hurriedly stuck random pieces of film together to finish the damn episode. There's another fight (in which the fisticuffs sound dramatically like Silly Putty being slapped against the forehead) and somehow our boys end up in a rowboat that gets hit by a cannonball.

Don't fail to see the next peril-packed episode of MYSTERIOUS ISLAND... and don't forget to discuss all the fun of this and other stuff ya like on our wacky Message Board!